David tricks King Saul again (1 Samuel Chapter 26)

David steals the king's spear and water flask, then climbs a mountain to show everyone.  

From Eternity Matters Blog

This odd relationship between King Saul and David is very odd.  I thought they had made amends a few chapters ago, but I guess Saul just has it in his heart to kill or capture David.  He's kind of like Wile E. Coyote.

This time, Saul takes 3,000 Israelite soldiers with him to look for David in the Wilderness of Zith.  While camping out for the night, David sneaks into their camp and steals Saul's spear and his water flask.  After taking these he flees up a mountain and the next morning he yells out so that everyone below can hear.

Basically, David asks, "Why do you keep following me?"  Saul, who doesn't really have a good answer, eventually relents and decides to let David get away.  David returns the stolen goods, and they both part ways.

So what's up with Saul?  After David spared Saul's life previously, it really seemed he was going to forgive David.  But now he comes back?  It's just one of those bugs that we can't get rid of.  Ever get that way?  Have you ever had a task that if it isn't completed, you're day will be ruined?  Or, have you ever tried to do something but the entire universe seems focused on making you fail?

Maybe Saul's desire to get David is kind of like that.  The whole purpose of capturing David is lost, but it's an incomplete mission that can not be accomplished.  Maybe Saul's real lesson here is to know when to give up.  After all, in this case the Creator of the Universe (according to Judeo-Christians) seems hellbent on preventing the capture of David.

Even though Saul promises that he will not try to harm David anymore, do you think he will keep his promise?  Stay tuned, and we'll find out together.

David loses one wife, while collecting two more (1 Samuel, Chapter 25)

Abigail meets David and gives him an "assload" of supplies.  Image from Grace Doctrine.

The events of this chapter occur shortly after the prophet Samuel passes away.  It's about how David collects two wives at the same time.

In the town of Maon, a rich man named Nabal and his wife Abigail lived.  Nabal owned 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats.  David heard that Nabal was shearing his sheep, so he sent some men over to demand that Nabal give to David whatever he has.  Their justification: they never harmed or insulted Nabal's shepherds!

Nabal says no, because he basically never heard of David before; and this pisses off David!  David complained that he and his men guarded Nabal's possessions in the desert and this is how he gets repaid - the nerve of the man.  David then began cursing Nabal and his men.  Apparently, one of the worst curses in the Bronze Age is to accuse the enemy of "pissing against the wall".  As he tells his men to strap on their swords, David says this, which is a puzzling insult to us Homo sapiens living in the 21st century: "May God curse me and worse if I leave alive a single of his men that piss against the wall!"

On the way to wreak havoc on Maon, one of Nabal's servants did confirm to Nabal's wife that David's men were nice to them.  So, she (Abigail) collects 200 loaves of bread, two wine skins, five prepared sheep, five bags of roasted grain, 100 bunches of raisins, and 200 figs and loads them on a donkey.  She meets David with literally an assload of provisions and this satisifies David. She didn't tell Nabal that she would do this.

Later, after a night of partying, Nabal wakes up sober and that's when Abigail breaks the news about what she did.  I guess the news was so heart-breaking that Nabal died of a heart attack, and then ten days later Yahweh finishes the job.

After he dies, David takes Abigail as his own wife, and then another wife named Ahinoam of Jezreel.  Wow!  I don't understand the nuances of this, but I guess Saul takes David's first wife and gives her to another man.  Maybe Saul has some sort of special privilege where he can just take a man's wife and give her to someone else?

In any case, it's a very interesting read and a very weird story.

A Confrontation Between David and Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 24)

David shows King Saul that he cuts the hem of his cloak.

From outsetministry.org

After chasing down the Philistines, King Saul returns to hunt down David.  While in the wilderness, Saul decides to go inside a cave.  Unbeknownst to him, David and his men were actually hiding out in this very same cave.

So, David basically has Saul by the balls here.  He can easily take him out if he wanted to.  However, David something interesting.  Instead of killing the king, he takes his sword and secretly cuts a piece of his robe off.  King Saul is unaware that this happens, and after some time walks out of the cave.

In the daylight, David follows and calls out to Saul, pointing out that he could have taken his life but instead cut his cloak.  Saul is touched by this show of mercy, and admits that David is the one who has been anointed by God and that he will be king.

Facing this inevitability, Saul asks David to have mercy on his bloodline and to let his descendants live, which David agrees to.

Again, we are faced with the strange mentality of these people.  Rather than put them down for it, it's interesting to see it from their eyes, as there are still people out there today who have similar ideas about how the world is organized.

David's show of mercy is great, and Saul's acceptance of David is even better.  But just the thought that one's descendants are at risk from an up and coming king is a strange artifact of the mentality of monarchies.  Eventually, Saul's descendants may very well have a claim to the throne.

David is young and has not been groomed for royalty, so he's probably naive to this point.  So, David doesn't care about that and agrees to Saul's terms.  After all, David is Yahweh's "anointed one", right?  What's the worse that could happen?

David Hides from King Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 23)

Wilderness in Judah.  David hid from Saul in a place that probably didn't look too different.  From BiblePlaces.com

David is still hiding from Saul.  While hanging out in the wilderness with his men, David is informed that the Philistines have began an assault on the town of Keilah.

David asks Yahweh (God) about what he should do, and Yahweh says to attack him.  So he informs the men to get ready, but they are apparently scared.  Once again, David asks Yahweh for clarification, and Yahweh basically says, "Yes!  Get up and smite those mofos, you're wasting time!  I got your back, bro.  I'm freakin' Yahweh!"

Once God made it abundantly clear, David and takes his men and sure enough wreak havoc upon the ranks of the Philistines, and they save the town of Keilah.

Well, King Saul heard about David's whereabouts and immediately set upon the town Keilah.  Before Saul's troops can get there, David manages to escape into the Wilderness of Maon.

Within the wilderness David basically evades King Saul until finally those troublesome Philistines mount another attack elsewhere, which prompts King Saul to deal with the new threat rather than find his old rival David.

Reading this chapter, I'm loaded with the questions.  Why doesn't Yahweh just end this drama?  Conventionally, Yahweh is the God of the Universe.  However, I get the sense in this chapter that He was more like a finite, yet still powerful deity, like something from the Greek pantheon.  With His affinity for war, I'm almost tempted to say He's on par with Ares, the Greek god of war.

This fits idea of a finite yet still powerful god best fits with the behavior I'm reading about.  Yahweh doesn't have much control, He seems to be filled with petty emotions, and He even deceives humans.

Contrarily, I would imagine an all-powerful being who cares about His creation wouldn't be obsessed with the death of other tribes, and of course the weird fascination He seems to have with sex.

Meet Doeg the Edomite: The Ancient Terminator (1 Samuel, Chapter 22)

Doeg slays priests in the town of Nob.  Image from Mud Preacher.

In the Terminator movies, Skynet sends a Terminator (a robot assassin) back into time to "TER-muh-NATE" the future leader of the Resistance, John Connor.  In the days of the ancient Israelites, 1 Samuel tells the tale of a jealous King Saul sending "Doeg the Edomite" to assassinate a potential rival for the crown, David.

This guy Doeg doesn't mess around.  Apparently, he was the chief servant of Saul, and very loyal.  After hearing that David had fled to the town of Nob, Saul and his servants traveled to the little town.  Saul gets into a minor dispute with a priest named Ahimelech, and afterward asks his servants to slay the priests.  None of them moved.

So Saul turned to loyal Doeg and asks him to kill the priests.  Without question, Doeg turned on his heals and commenced slayed 85 priests.  He even killed multiple men, women, and children of the town too!

The only person who managed to escape was the son of Ahimelech, Abiathar, who fled and found David, reporting all he had seen.  David felt bad for Abiathar.  David actually felt partially to blame for the death of all Abiathar's family.

David told Abiathar not to worry or be scared, because he is safe with him.

David Acts Insane to Escape From Saul's Anger (1 Samuel, Chapter 21)

David acts insane, letting drool dribble over his beard and onto the ground, and begins pounding his fists into the floor.  

This image is from the Brick Testament, which is a hilarious source for Biblical material.

Over the time I've been reading the Bible again, I've learned that approaching the Bible strictly as a "moral code" is ridiculous, and that's just the wrong way to look at it.  It's also wrong to take it seriously or literally.  I suspect that's why so many Christians don't want to read the Bible from cover to cover; because shortly after the first two verses of Genesis, it loses credibility as a tale about reality and so we'd rather just hear the preacher's explanation instead.

However, if we look at it as a source of entertainment, where we can read about some really interesting behavior, the Bible is great.  Sure, it's badly written, but once we stop taking it seriously, ironically it becomes easy to read.  The cognitive dissonance goes away.

In this chapter of 1 Samuel, David is afraid of King Saul's wrath.  If we remember, David is seen as something of a war hero because he killed Goliath on the battlefield.  Now, he is seen as being chosen by God Himself.  King Saul recognizes this and basically wants to kill David before he becomes a threat to his power.

David runs away, and in this chapter he even approaches the enemies of Israel (the kingdom of Gath) to escape from Saul.  But some people in Gath recognized David since he was famous by that time, and called him out on it.  He then acted like a madman, scribbling on some gates, drooling, and hitting the ground with his fists, just so they'd think he WASN'T David!

For some reason, he thought that if he acted like a mad man, they'd change their mind and protect him from Saul.

The chapter closes with Achish, who is the king of Gath, asking, "Have I need of madmen, that you brought this guy to me?"

Perhaps madmen were treated as entertainment back then?  Or was he just being sarcastic?  I guess we'll find out next time.

David and Jonathan Kiss Each Other Goodbye (1 Samuel, Chapter 20)

Again, this relationship between Jonathan and David seems a lot closer than the standard friendship.  There's nothing with that, of course.  And, it's vague enough and ancient enough in context to forgive their kissing and hugging and standing around naked with each other.

However, I've been hearing from apologists, who always make me roll my eyes, that there's no way that these two are gay.  I'm still on the fence on this, but I can't dismiss it as easily as they can, ESPECIALLY after reading this chapter!  Once again, I personally don't care if they're gay.  The only thing that's wrong about them being gay is the context behind the book (The Bible) which I'm reading it, which seems to readily condemn gays.

King Saul, the father of Jonathan, seems to know what's going on between his son and David.  Whether he suspects his son Jonathan of being gay, or perhaps just being more sympathetic to David instead of his own father's crown is not clear.  But when Saul confronts Jonathan, he says this: "You son of a perverse, rebellious woman!  I know you've chosen [David] to your own confusion, and unto the confusion of your mother's nakedness!"

Wow!

You'd almost think Saul caught the two guys making out.

But no, for the record the Bible doesn't state explicitly the nature of their relationship.  It says they love each other, it says they held hands, hugged, kissed, stood around naked, etc.  But it never says they're gay.

Well, Jonathan gets the hint that his dad (King Saul) wants to kill David.  So, he runs to David and tells him.  They even do a gay little pre-planned ritual where David is waiting in a field, Jonathan shoots three arrows and sends a boy to fetch them.  If the "the arrows are to the side" of the boy, David (who is looking on from a hiding spot), will see it as King Saul being cool with David. If, on the other hand, "the arrows are beyond" the boy, David will see that king intends to kill him.  

Yes, I know.  This isn't "gay" behavior.  They're not doing anything explicitly homosexual.  I mean it's "gay" because it's just over-the-top and a little dramatic.

When the time comes to shoot the arrows, the message is obviously that the arrows are beyond.  Jonathan shoots an arrow beyond the boy.  After seeing this, and after the unknowing participant (the boy) leaves, David comes out of hiding and embraces Jonathan.

This is essentially their final goodbye (I think), because David must flee.  They hug, they cry, and they kiss each other farewell.